i thought i would slip this entry in before i get some work done. just to, well you know, let my thoughts out a bit so that i won't be thinking half of the time and bugging myself to blog. so i've decided i should really blog now and to ban my mind from talking while studying.

anyway, i think my head ain't so muddled up now. everything use to be a blur even though i had confidence and knew what i was going to do. the problem was, i didn't had any goals. i was this teen stuck up in the world of brooding, wanting to just skip studies although i know it was going to happen and to actaully start living my own life. i think the problem was i had no goals nor aims. now that i figured out one of them which is close to the life i'm living now, i have actaully something to look foward to and to start working for it.

well, that's only for the future.

other things that were in the past and are happening now actually comes clearer to my mind now. i guess you could say i was enlightened by them,(privacy due to the fact that this is made public) after watching that heartening affections towards each other, it clued me in on reality and how innocence can sometimes paint the art of the world. i envied them in a way i never thought i would with anyone and realized this type of affections? i was actually middle and part of it all.

you know sometimes we bitch and all gossip and all that cause at that certain point of time we just can't stand that person because that person has somehow perhaps pissed us off in one way another. to me at least, truth is, i found out recently i actaully care about those people. secretly, deep down my heart, somewhere along the veins, just that half of the time i need to vent off my anger so that those veins need not burst.

sometimes jealousy gets in the way. and i really hate being jealous. cause, i shouldn't be. insecurity i believe and the fact half of the time i'm bloody sensitive to the world around me.

i was in denial thinking that i wasn't jealous, that i just couldn't stand that person or so. truth it, i think it was jealousy and somehow i wish people would forgive me after all i'm a lucky needle in a stack of hay. sometimes i take it for granted, push the buttons a little too much. and a little words from another or just the slightest movement from another pains me with a pang in my heart cause what i believe half of the time is jealousy and just cost me the stupid mood swings i shouldn't have.

i guess i could blame it on how i was brought up. be weary of others, be street smart, be careful, watching your own back, so as to not be hurt; not wanting to be hurt. who wants to be hurt anyways? but once your head get sorted out, things becomes clearer and you kinda learn from there. for me it's just another chapter of an open book, but now i won't brood over silly facts of the slightest things.

today, i learn i could do that, and for once i was proud of myself cause of it. it happen oh so accidentally when usually that voice i hated for so long was sounded. i realized i wasn't angry with it or pissed or irritated just as i usually would have. just quiet, peacefuly calm self of heart. sure, i guess once in awhile i'll get that urge to beat a person up radomly cause he/she either ways has offended me without even knowing so. i mean what i hate sometimes is the insensitivity of people, not being able to sense. the oblivious of the world. and later hurt people around; well in this case hurt me. am i being selfish cause i want people to sense me, to understand and know me, to know what i'm like to understand my moods. whatever. am i being too self-centered then?

hard to say, cause sometimes i feel the urge to help people with thier personal problems. not being an emotional baricade, but you know just to help them. one good reason is cause so that i can focus about someone else instead of myself (which i have just learnt), to not feel selfish and to not just concentrate about myself. because that's what sometimes i wish to do. don't everybody at sometime of thier low time in life?

sometimes perhaps is to show people i care. or perhaps even as to an extent to be well-liked and just not to be bitched and gossip and being a topic of people bad chapters in a book. after all, i keep on getting surprises as to when people actaully start talking bad about other people. who wants to be a bad topic? you never really know what's going on behind your back. you can sense it, but sometimes you really don't know. and perhaps you don't wish to know.

sure, i kind of came to an acceptence to certain people in life who dislike me cause it became a neutral deposition in my feelings to just accept it. a brief connection in life that perhaps is getting ready for me in society. it's nice to think there is a god out there who actually cares. and i guess i'm starting to actaully believe in faith and in a god doubtless on his looks and his forms. after all, there's many different variations what he looks like. i always believe that religon is to keep half of the world sane, and turth is i believe i'm right, cause somehow it is keeping me sane. it just that certain of the aspects of god of a different religons and believes which forsakens the people into deeds people with true faith shouldn't do sickens me. many examples i can give, but i wouldn't want to start a riot on my blog.

now that i can actually see the future where it isn't so foggy, i believe now i can strive hard in what i want to do with my life. i lied if i ever said that money isn't important for now i officially believe that money is an valuble asset in life. without money, there's practically no life. i'm going to be safe and secure with it, but at the same time i'm going to use it for good. cause i know it's the right thing, and well i really wish to help. got to start by saving money in the house (which i am almost failing to).

warm hands and heart now, i'll take a step into the future. so i'll stop typing here to do my studies and to perservere to do well; at least, i'll try to.

that was a rather long entry, but ah, it's all type written already. glad i did it before i break for the exams with wanting to have this post blogged up bugging me. well, that's for slipping in an entry. got to be one of my longest post yet.

alright, i admit it. it's been a long time since i blogged. well, i guess that's cause usually i blog when i feel the need to blog and it's the time when i can't sort out my emotions and need this blog to help me solve it. today, i'm going to blog about my life to life basis.

this week, thus yet, has been a real refreshing week before i go into the exams. somehow, these few days my mind has been really alert even though i'm not having 7 hours of enough sleep. i tend to be able to focus and my moods swings are more controlled now, and i got to tell you, i'm much happier now. it's great to finally get back to the self which i love most and hear and talk about stories from and to friends.

witty comments and snark humor. god, it's time like this where i actually love school.

but one good thing the month of april has thought me is that we choose our own deicisions whether we decide to be happy, angry, moody or sad. sure, sometimes it's our friends and family who are the ones who turn that mood swing on, but as long as you decide to control it and forgive the person (i know it's hard), we can turn that day into something better then we expect. i guess i am able to say this cause i'm in better moods that most days, but in the end it's really your own decision.

you never know what will come in your way as you live your life, for example how now certain internet pages are down and i am pissed off with the server. okay, so now that was random.

sometimes it's a stroke of luck in how you do things, but sometimes it's not. in life, i believe it all comes down to me and my decisions to label what i will be and do.

anyone heard of the shooting in virginia tech?

i would like to pay my respects for the 32 dead and that thier souls may rest in peace, this very tragic event-which was even worse than the columbine high school shootings-deserve a say.

when i first saw the headlines on newpaper while walking out from school today, the first thing that came into my mind was that that person was probably mental. yeah well, look at the world at it's current state. i'm not being a cynic, i'm just telling the truth.

but when you think about it, that man (who has not yet been identified) shot himself in the end. i guess he knew his fate.

i guess i'm not allowed to completely judge and comment about the person who shot the people or anything more but i'm allowed have my own theories.

well this event, i wouldn't say it would only happen in america, although people just assume that chances are is usually there due to influence of tv and allowing possesion of guns. but really, when you think of it, it can happen anywhere and at anytime. i got to admit, somehow, over here, you needn't check your back every time when you walk in shopping centres or just going back to your home, watching for guns or anything that is deadly. the only thing you need to pay attention to are the cars which are mostly the death cause.

sometimes you must wonder why in the world do people start these shootings? to be remembered? to prove something significant? you know we have these campaigns everyday about civil rights, blah blah blah and a yak yak yak, yet, we fail to capture the attention to these people who seem to need it the most.

i mean honestly, there's got to be some reason why all these happen, after all, aren't we thought to believe everyone has a heart? even those we classify as crazy, mental, etc. i guess it comes to a certain extent that we can't help them, but to put it a point, our world is really helpless, or is it?

today during religious education, a cartoon titiled the crippled lamb was shown and i believe it was suppose to tell us that god sent us here for a reason and everyone has something special within them and has a purpose here in life.

yeah well, it comes to a point where we'll never find the purpose and why we're here at all. my faith is really weak, which i'm trying to strengthen but i can't seem to find the right answer in all my questions. perhaps i should stop doubting and questioning, but it's hard you know. i mean common, take this tragic event, it really upsets me to no end. with all this constant happenings, sometimes i really don't blame myself.

and that's the truth.

typing has officially become my voice.

recently i have been having really weird dreams drafting from realistic ones to unrealistic ones. i think the scarier one are those which are realistic; one of which seemed so real that i thought i actually did it. next morning i get up and got goosebumps except i thought i was already awake.

this week's postsecret is/was rather - disturbing. well, to me, at least. the brilliant man of this idea, frank, said that he had arranged each postcard in a way to tell a story. cel and i agreed that this project ought to change the world (wherever it is at now).

i propose that this week story should have a title called "Truth of Denial."

in a way postsecret helped me too, cause at certain times of life when i thought i'm the only one who thinks that way or have this tiny strange feeling that i question whether i'm even allowed to feel these feelings. however when i read a certain postcard, i realized, hey, i actually feel this way too. sometimes we never realize we feel this way either until we read it and then we understand better.

sometimes we do not wish to be mock, therefore we keep ourselves closeted. i hold back my words occasionally afraid to spill whatever has been build up inside me for so long hugging back each of the words as i'm afraid of being judged, and scarily, even more than judged.
sometimes when we don't and we openly say it, we're either respected or insulted. i guess occasionally i like to take the chance, but more often than not i do not wish so.

i censored my words again.

perhaps in an unusual way i enjoy my private life kept to myself and myself only. yet in certain aspects, i wish to share the difficulties i encoutered (as childish some of them may be) to friends all alike around me.

i have felt so many times of jealousy and fear that people may mock me of. the anger of wrath that i feel towards even to those i should not and even to those i'm amused i feel towards too. inside me, there's this burning candle yearning to be extinguish (somehow i love it when i compare my feelings to fire) with all these mixture of feelings yet to die out. it's so hard, cause i'm face with all these people daily. i'm like a double-face in this method where i keep on exchanging feeling with my inner-heart towards them.

that's the truth. now what am i going to do about it?

ryan gosling is an amzaing actor. i swear, he played the role as a drug addict really well in half nelson.

watching the show with my mum she said that drug addicts behave and look exactly like that, even to an extent she said for all you know he did drugs before. well, he did his research.

the way he sniffed cocaine, the way he smoked whatever he was smoking, i'm obsessed.
i think the really intersting thing in half nelson is how drug addicts move and work. i'm impressed although a whole lot of dialogue forced me to listen to the show very carefully. half of the time my mother was talking and i got so angry cause the subtitles moved too fast and i couldn't catch what they were saying.

but either ways, the movie was worth my time, and despite some explicit details, it was really enchanting.

i finally watched freedom writers.

depicting a real life story, it really feels true, real and emotionally touching. (count in the fact that jane nearly cried)
i really liked it as it's a really an inspirational movie but yet not too 'gloriefied' that it becomes unreal and seems too fictional. it shows courage from time to time, the harsh cruelty of scoieties and finally, to show that in every troubled situation that cannot be solved, there is always hope.
i'm glad the movie didn't twist the actual story too much for then i bet it wouldn't be half as good.

there are touching parts, funny parts and a film to take a good break with.

i wouldn't say it will be predicted as the best film this year with occasional draggy parts and look at the fact at all this summer's blockbusters, but really, this show is worth your time and money.

racism?
you can't help it if it's already part of society,
the question is, are you going to make it better? or worse.

battling emotions.

perhaps it's the occasional mood swing, but these few days i have become rather moody and that's cause of one reason and suprisingly one reason only.

i have no idea why, but it's the occasional feel of just slamming somebody/anybody down and later get hurt and feel guilty.

my heart and feelings are at war, trying to constrict my emotions into something raw and yet there's this main problem: i have no idea why i'm feeling like this.

maybe, i just wanted to feel something, so desperately yearning to feel something besides happiness. it's crazy, but it's the sudden urge. it's like as though my heart and my soul has become rather dry.
perhaps it has.

losing confidence is another thing. slowly, steadily, perhaps figuring myself out too much it's not a good thing.

i'm glad though for everytime i have this idiotic face which just says 'don't mess with me' cause i don't feel like smiling, everyone gives me the concern and that i thank them very much.

but it's not really anyone's fault, sometimes i just blank out in my own imagination and in my own thoughts. i thought perhaps i wanted attention, but i soon realized i actually don't want it. but i'm glad cause of my friends, everytime i go to school i'm able to talk and smile and not just sulk at home. i yearn for them privately. perhaps it's cause i know i'm about to graduate and has become solely dependent on them. that's another reason why may be i just want to be independent these days and let myself isolate.

(of course that's definetly the devil of my consious talking. it's greed, i think. the sin that wants everything despite having almost everything.)

i'm clueless. i don't know what i'm looking for anymore.